Today I Feel French

I don't know how to make a story short. So I will explain the whoooole reason why I feel French today.

My friend invited me on a cruise to the Bahamas. That's in 2 months and despite the point. However, I had to get a new passport because of it. I haven't used a passport since 4th grade when I traveled to Poland and Italy with my family.

My mom called me yesterday and told me that my passport had arrived in the mail. Which is good news for my cruise trip, since I will actually be able to go now. BUT then I started daydreaming of all the other places I can go with that passport!

I'm graduating this year. I probably won't get a job riiight away. SO... I coooould travel if I really wanted to, right?

Anyway, I took French in high school because I was always fascinated by the language and culture. I didn't learn much, except how to say "Hi, my name is Beata. I am very sexy" in French. Ask me sometime. It's VERY fluent. Oh, and I learned what that song from Moulin Rouge actually meant.

I had the opportunity to go to France my senior year of high school. That was one of those moments in life when you look back and wonder why the heck did I not go?!

Going to France is definitely on my bucket list. Traveling is. In the meantime, I will just eat crepes and listen to French music... and pretend I'm French.

My aunt, who is super Polish, also enjoys pretending to be French. Anytime I come over, French music is playing. ALWAYS. She claims her cats are French and only speak French. She has five cats. She has French looking decorations all over the house, photos of the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, etc. etc. etc. She is so cool.

My Godfather recently went to France with his wife. He posted pictures on Facebook of them all over France. Just to rub it in my face. It made me want to go there even more.

So.. Today.. I feel French.

In remembrance...

A week ago today, I received terrible terrible news. My cousin had committed suicide. I couldn't believe it. She was 2 days younger than me and my best friend when I was a child. I immediately began regretting not being closer to her in the recent years. I drowned myself in depressing music. Some of my close friends would ask me how I'm doing. I don't know how to react. I don't know what to tell people. It hurts so bad inside to know she is gone.

The funeral came and passed over the weekend. One BIG roller coaster ride. The second my family and I walked in, it was immediate tears. Seeing her body.

But moments later, we were able to talk. All of us. All of our family members and friends. And after pain came some laughs. Then some more tears. Then some laughs. Like we were trying to forget about the elephant in the room.

When we walked out of the church to drive to the burial, it was a very gray, gloomy day. It began snowing rather heavily. We got to the cemetery and walked up to her casket. The priest began to say his last words and a beautiful thing happened.

The clouds opened up right above Kasia's burial. Just a small, small opening. The sun could have been stuck somewhere behind some other cloud, but it wasn't. It was beaming down on Kasia's grave.

We all looked around at each other, knowing it was some sort of sign. She was in heaven with God.

I promised myself I'd pray for her everyday. And because I promised this, I promised I'd also become a better Catholic, a better person. This was an awful thing to experience. And I really do hope that I learn to spread more joy in people's lives.

Anyway, there were a few songs that helped my through this experience... that still are helping me cope. Here are some:

This was the first song I jumped to after I heard the news. It ripped me apart.

They might have been singing about something else. But it meant something different to me.

My sister, who flew in from FL for the funeral,  and I cried together in my car when we heard this. We were stuck in traffic for 2 hour together. The car barely moved within the 2 hours. We listened to music, talked, and cried.  We hadn't even realized we were sitting in traffic for that long because we were stuck in such a moment.

Most people probably think this song is about a bad break up. That's what I thought at first. After Kasia's death... I thought this song was about losing someone more permanently.  Then I saw the music video today and cried again. The lyrics... "But you went away. How dare you? I miss you. They say I'll be okay. But I'm not going to ever get over you..." God my heart hurts.

Lastly...

Because this song captures how I feel we are at this moment in life. Young... naive...hopeful...lost. And I wish Kasia had just seem past that moment... and had seen there is so much ahead of her young years.




RIP Kasia. 1/25/1989- 2/28/2012
23 years young. you are loved. you are missed<3